Do me a favor -- don't fuckin try to pre-empt my order by suggesting things to me. If I want a godamn medium coffee, I will fucking order it. Also, don't interupt my order to suggest things you, in your infinite pea-brainedness, think I should have. Your job is to shut your godamn mouth, type in what I want on your little fucking machine and GET ME MY GODAMN BAGEL! Here's a typical morning trying to deal with these fucks at Dunkin Donuts:
I step up to the counter - "Hi sir, medium coffee?" "No thanks, I'd like a blueberry bagel with c--" "Medium coffee?" "No. Cream cheese." "Vegetable cream cheese?" "What?! No. Plain cream cheese." She's start inputting it into the computer - "Blueberry bagel; plain cream cheese. Would you like a donut?"
And this right here is around the time I break out in sweat, my face gets red and start to shake slightly. Everything in me wants to grab this woman by her shirt, and start slamming her face into the counter and scream "YES I WANT A FUCKING BOX OF DONUTS TO SHOVE UP YOUR GODAMN WATER-HEADED RETARDED ASS YOU FUCKING WHORE!!"
But I can't do this. I can't talk because the quiver in my voice will give me away, so I just shake my head. Pay for my shit, walk out and pray for nuclear holocaust.
Panda Express -- you better stop this shit too, or you're fuckin next.
I normally don't remember my dreams. I know that I dream in color. Sometimes monochromatic. I know that usually my dreams are very vivid. I know that I never know that I'm dreaming. And I know that no matter what I'm dreaming about, there's always a subtle sense of dread all the time. Other than that, it's rare that I can remember what I dream about. Usually I fall asleep and next thing I know it's morning.
That being said, I had a real fucked up dream last night, that I remember like a memory. I was a teacher of some sort in a school. The whole population of the World was mostly retarded, with a few non retarded people. Kind've backwards as it is now. (arguably). So, in this school there were like four or five non-retarded people, and the rest were retarded. The retards were constantly teasing, beating and picking on the normal kids. I finally got fed up with it, locked the normals in a bathroom stall and proceeded to beat the living shit out of every kid in the school. I'd walk into a classroom, lock the door behind me and just destroy everyone in the classroom. Then I'd walk out and walk to another room and do the same. The hallways became bedlam with retards running every which way trying to get away, and I'd pounce on anyone I saw.
Straight from cnn.com " Another boy dies copying Saddam Hussein's hanging"
I can't be the only one who finds this utterly hilarious. Perhaps the boy should've watched the whole video, cuz you know, he does die at the end. Anyway, I read that and it made me laugh and made my day.
Me: "Ok, one last thing, we're missing the zip code on your order." Her: "Zip code? Oh, it's ... " and she goes on to give me her area code. "Ma'am, that's your area code, I need your zip code." "Oh, haha, I'm sorry." "No problems, happens sometimes." "Zip code ... um.. zero .... seven ... no, six seven ... um ... can I call you right back?" "Yeah, sure ... " "I have to get my zip code." "Ok, sure. Just give us a call back."
the pAper chAse is coming to Chicago! For those not in the know, the paper chase is one of my most favoritest bands; musically equivelent to a nervous breakdown -- their albums are like the modern version of "The Wall" -- only sicker, meaner, more twisted and pure bad assed. Also completely obscure. I'm jazzed. This made my week.
A) "A giant ice shelf the size of 11,000 football fields has snapped free from Canada's Arctic, scientists said." The implications of this are pretty self evident. What suprises me is how little attention is actually paid to global warming.
B) "FDA: Cloned food safe; doesn't need special labeling ... "FDA: Cloned animals "virtually indistinguishable" from normal livestock" Heh, while I'm not all that knowledgable on cloning and whether or not it's safe, I'd have to go with my gut on this one and say "No." First of all, trusting that this is safe is trusting the FDA, which is really like trusting your peado uncle to watch your kids. You might be safe; but it's probably better not to take that risk. And can anyone spot the real funny thing about this? The FDA says it is, and I quote, "virtually indistinguishable." That word "virtually" gets me. Dumbshits.
C) Hussein will be dead in a few hours. Good deal.
D) I had the absolute worst Philly cheese steak for lunch. Apparently "Cheese, tomatoe, onion and mayo" translates to "tomatoe and onion" in retardese. No cheese. No mayo. They didn't even grill the bun for fuck's sakes. Those dicks.
Fugazi, to me, is the appex of a rock band. They played for the love of playing; not for fame, or money or women or any of that. Their unshakable love of music was enough to drive them, and for that they are, in my eyes, one of the greatest bands ever.
While talking about the cult we're going to start, I came up with the greatest idea ever.
We'll heavily recruit minorities of all stripes and form a "gang", if you will, and we will call ourselves the Ku Klux Klan and commit hate crimes against white people. And when the real Klan gets word, they'll want to fight us, so we'll have a big street fight against them, but since the Klan only has like 15 mimbers now because it's such a joke, we'll whup their asses, take their name be the victors.
Who in the fuck is so godamn nonchalant that they'll place an online order for $800 and not even have the sense to put your state and zip code? Seriously. You can review your order TWICE before it's submitted on my site, and yet every day some fuckin dipshit DER DER DER doesn't put it in there. I wish I could shit in their boxes before they're shipped out. Really.
Take a runny liquidy shit right into their precious fuckin amplifier.
"Hi, how can I help you?" "Hi ... uh ... I was wondering what the shipping would be on the one thousand five hundred watt package." "The fifteen hundred watt pack? One sec." "Noooo" spoken as if I can't comprehend what he's saying "The one thousand five hundred watt pack."
Can I interject for a minute? There. Right there. That tone of voice I fucking HATE. He lost me right there. At that moment this guy can shit and fall in it. And, it's not even so much as he didn't realize fifteen hundred IS one thousand five hundred ... it was his tone of voice. So, what does Josh do when a customer has just pissed him off? Let's watch!
".... Oh. We're out of that. We only have the fifteen hundred watt." "Oh. Well, it's on your site." "Yeah. It is." "..." "Yeah. All we have is the fifteen hundred watt pack. The one thousand five hundred watt is sold out. Sorry." "Um ... what's the difference between them?" "Absolutely nothing." "Oh, ok. What's the shipping on that?" "Where do you live?" "South Carolina" "Two hundred dollars." "Wow! Um .." "Roughly. Roughly two hundred." "Ok. Um ..." "The one you were asking about, though, the one thousand five hundred pack -- shipping on that is typically $80 or so. But, we're out of those." "Awww, shit." "Yeah. Last one went out about an hour ago." "Well damn. Are you going to be getting more in?" "One minute, let me check" -- Put him on hold. Play a few turns on KoL. About three minutes later: "Naw man, looks like that's been discontinued." "*big sigh* What's the name of the other one?" "Fifteen hundred watt pack."
When I was in HS football, I tore my achilles tendon a bit. Hurt like a motherfucker, and I had to tape up my ankle throughout the whole year -- for football and wrestling.
Woke up this morning, and I've this pain where the tendon attaches to the back of my foot. It's not the same pain as when I was in HS ... it feels almost dirtier. Not like the tendon itself is hurting; more like the bone is breaking in the back of my foot. I haven't bumped it or anything, and aside from the normal amounts of walking I do daily, I haven't done anything to it.
From the book of Josh: Chapter 4 "People that piss me off"
#8746 -- People in fast food resteraunts who bitch and moan and cause a ruckus because their order was wrong. To you, I say -- It's McDonalds'; not the fucking Ritz. Pick your godamn lettuce off and shut your fucking face and get the hell out of my line before I kick you in the backs of you knees you cunt.
I just spent the last fifteen minutes laughing like a maniac at the name of my last customer -- Jomo Bonner -- which my Spanish speaking coworkers pronounced as "Homo Boner."
PIERRE, S.D. - A woman who died two months ago won a county commissioner's race in Jerauld County on Tuesday.
Democrat Marie Steichen, of Woonsocket, got 100 votes, defeating incumbent Republican Merlin Feistner, of Woonsocket, who had 64 votes.
Jerauld County Auditor Cindy Peterson said she believes the county board will have to meet to appoint a replacement for Steichen. Peterson said she'll check with the state's attorney to be sure that's the process. Peterson said voters knew Steichen had died.
That's so cool. Imagine being so unhappy with your current official that you willfully vote for a dead person. That is a kick right in the dick and nice message to boot.
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