Take a good look, Johnny

Dear retards at Dunkin Donuts,

2007-02-15T17:59:09Z

Do me a favor -- don't fuckin try to pre-empt my order by suggesting things to me. If I want a godamn medium coffee, I will fucking order it. Also, don't interupt my order to suggest things you, in your infinite pea-brainedness, think I should have. Your job is to shut your godamn mouth, type in what I want on your little fucking machine and GET ME MY GODAMN BAGEL!
Here's a typical morning trying to deal with these fucks at Dunkin Donuts:

I step up to the counter - "Hi sir, medium coffee?"
"No thanks, I'd like a blueberry bagel with c--"
"Medium coffee?"
"No. Cream cheese."
"Vegetable cream cheese?"
"What?! No. Plain cream cheese."
She's start inputting it into the computer - "Blueberry bagel; plain cream cheese. Would you like a donut?"

And this right here is around the time I break out in sweat, my face gets red and start to shake slightly. Everything in me wants to grab this woman by her shirt, and start slamming her face into the counter and scream "YES I WANT A FUCKING BOX OF DONUTS TO SHOVE UP YOUR GODAMN WATER-HEADED RETARDED ASS YOU FUCKING WHORE!!"

But I can't do this. I can't talk because the quiver in my voice will give me away, so I just shake my head. Pay for my shit, walk out and pray for nuclear holocaust.

Panda Express -- you better stop this shit too, or you're fuckin next.

jstad @ 2007-01-31T18:43:00

2007-02-01T00:43:38Z

I normally don't remember my dreams. I know that I dream in color. Sometimes monochromatic. I know that usually my dreams are very vivid. I know that I never know that I'm dreaming. And I know that no matter what I'm dreaming about, there's always a subtle sense of dread all the time. Other than that, it's rare that I can remember what I dream about. Usually I fall asleep and next thing I know it's morning.

That being said, I had a real fucked up dream last night, that I remember like a memory. I was a teacher of some sort in a school. The whole population of the World was mostly retarded, with a few non retarded people. Kind've backwards as it is now. (arguably). So, in this school there were like four or five non-retarded people, and the rest were retarded. The retards were constantly teasing, beating and picking on the normal kids. I finally got fed up with it, locked the normals in a bathroom stall and proceeded to beat the living shit out of every kid in the school. I'd walk into a classroom, lock the door behind me and just destroy everyone in the classroom. Then I'd walk out and walk to another room and do the same. The hallways became bedlam with retards running every which way trying to get away, and I'd pounce on anyone I saw.

Weird.

HA!

2007-01-18T20:17:33Z

Straight from cnn.com " Another boy dies copying Saddam Hussein's hanging"

I can't be the only one who finds this utterly hilarious. Perhaps the boy should've watched the whole video, cuz you know, he does die at the end.
Anyway, I read that and it made me laugh and made my day.

NERDS!

2007-01-12T21:06:43Z

NEEERDS!!

I'd still watch it.

More from work

2007-01-04T22:24:07Z

While verifying the information on an order...

Me: "Ok, one last thing, we're missing the zip code on your order."
Her: "Zip code? Oh, it's ... " and she goes on to give me her area code.
"Ma'am, that's your area code, I need your zip code."
"Oh, haha, I'm sorry."
"No problems, happens sometimes."
"Zip code ... um.. zero .... seven ... no, six seven ... um ... can I call you right back?"
"Yeah, sure ... "
"I have to get my zip code."
"Ok, sure. Just give us a call back."

Dumb broad don't know her zip code.
Holy shit.

Got the news today!

2007-01-03T02:36:09Z

the pAper chAse is coming to Chicago!
For those not in the know, the paper chase is one of my most favoritest bands; musically equivelent to a nervous breakdown -- their albums are like the modern version of "The Wall" -- only sicker, meaner, more twisted and pure bad assed. Also completely obscure.
I'm jazzed.
This made my week.

Big new day

2006-12-29T20:08:53Z

Big doins in the news today.

A) "A giant ice shelf the size of 11,000 football fields has snapped free from Canada's Arctic, scientists said." The implications of this are pretty self evident. What suprises me is how little attention is actually paid to global warming.

B) "FDA: Cloned food safe; doesn't need special labeling ... "FDA: Cloned animals "virtually indistinguishable" from normal livestock" Heh, while I'm not all that knowledgable on cloning and whether or not it's safe, I'd have to go with my gut on this one and say "No." First of all, trusting that this is safe is trusting the FDA, which is really like trusting your peado uncle to watch your kids. You might be safe; but it's probably better not to take that risk. And can anyone spot the real funny thing about this? The FDA says it is, and I quote, "virtually indistinguishable." That word "virtually" gets me. Dumbshits.

C) Hussein will be dead in a few hours. Good deal.

D) I had the absolute worst Philly cheese steak for lunch. Apparently "Cheese, tomatoe, onion and mayo" translates to "tomatoe and onion" in retardese. No cheese. No mayo. They didn't even grill the bun for fuck's sakes. Those dicks.

Long Live Fugazi

2006-12-19T20:50:35Z

Fugazi, to me, is the appex of a rock band. They played for the love of playing; not for fame, or money or women or any of that. Their unshakable love of music was enough to drive them, and for that they are, in my eyes, one of the greatest bands ever.

jstad @ 2006-12-15T15:17:00

2006-12-15T20:17:00Z

While talking about the cult we're going to start, I came up with the greatest idea ever.

We'll heavily recruit minorities of all stripes and form a "gang", if you will, and we will call ourselves the Ku Klux Klan and commit hate crimes against white people. And when the real Klan gets word, they'll want to fight us, so we'll have a big street fight against them, but since the Klan only has like 15 mimbers now because it's such a joke, we'll whup their asses, take their name be the victors.

Awesome.

jstad @ 2006-12-11T16:19:00

2006-12-11T21:19:06Z

Who in the fuck is so godamn nonchalant that they'll place an online order for $800 and not even have the sense to put your state and zip code? Seriously. You can review your order TWICE before it's submitted on my site, and yet every day some fuckin dipshit DER DER DER doesn't put it in there.
I wish I could shit in their boxes before they're shipped out. Really.

Take a runny liquidy shit right into their precious fuckin amplifier.

Dumbfucks should be sterilized.

Tales of an asshole. Chapter 18; verse 4

2006-12-05T00:20:41Z

My phone rings at work:

"Hi, how can I help you?"
"Hi ... uh ... I was wondering what the shipping would be on the one thousand five hundred watt package."
"The fifteen hundred watt pack? One sec."
"Noooo" spoken as if I can't comprehend what he's saying "The one thousand five hundred watt pack."

Can I interject for a minute? There. Right there. That tone of voice I fucking HATE. He lost me right there. At that moment this guy can shit and fall in it. And, it's not even so much as he didn't realize fifteen hundred IS one thousand five hundred ... it was his tone of voice. So, what does Josh do when a customer has just pissed him off? Let's watch!

".... Oh. We're out of that. We only have the fifteen hundred watt."
"Oh. Well, it's on your site."
"Yeah. It is."
"..."
"Yeah. All we have is the fifteen hundred watt pack. The one thousand five hundred watt is sold out. Sorry."
"Um ... what's the difference between them?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Oh, ok. What's the shipping on that?"
"Where do you live?"
"South Carolina"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Wow! Um .."
"Roughly. Roughly two hundred."
"Ok. Um ..."
"The one you were asking about, though, the one thousand five hundred pack -- shipping on that is typically $80 or so. But, we're out of those."
"Awww, shit."
"Yeah. Last one went out about an hour ago."
"Well damn. Are you going to be getting more in?"
"One minute, let me check" -- Put him on hold. Play a few turns on KoL.
About three minutes later:
"Naw man, looks like that's been discontinued."
"*big sigh* What's the name of the other one?"
"Fifteen hundred watt pack."

"Thanks. Bye."
"Later"

*click*

A customer service representative is me!

jstad @ 2006-12-01T14:35:00

2006-12-01T19:35:58Z

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

watch jstad fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

jstad @ 2006-11-22T11:41:00

2006-11-22T16:41:06Z

When I was in HS football, I tore my achilles tendon a bit. Hurt like a motherfucker, and I had to tape up my ankle throughout the whole year -- for football and wrestling.

Woke up this morning, and I've this pain where the tendon attaches to the back of my foot. It's not the same pain as when I was in HS ... it feels almost dirtier. Not like the tendon itself is hurting; more like the bone is breaking in the back of my foot. I haven't bumped it or anything, and aside from the normal amounts of walking I do daily, I haven't done anything to it.

Weird.
And a pain in the ass.
Er ... foot.

There's blood in the streets

2006-11-20T20:28:26Z

From the book of Josh: Chapter 4 "People that piss me off"

#8746 -- People in fast food resteraunts who bitch and moan and cause a ruckus because their order was wrong. To you, I say -- It's McDonalds'; not the fucking Ritz. Pick your godamn lettuce off and shut your fucking face and get the hell out of my line before I kick you in the backs of you knees you cunt.

Amen.

I've never been in a limo

2006-11-17T23:07:52Z

Create your own friendquiz here

jstad @ 2006-11-17T11:55:00

2006-11-17T16:55:54Z

What is it about guys in berets that makes me want to punch them the second I see them?

I have never seen a guy pull a beret off. Never. Ever.

jstad @ 2006-11-15T13:27:00

2006-11-15T18:27:03Z

My teeth have become increasingly sensative lately. What's up with that?

It's real fuckin annoying.

jstad @ 2006-11-14T13:51:00

2006-11-14T18:51:20Z

I'm in a foul mood. One of those moods where I answer every question with "I will fucking kill you."

jstad @ 2006-11-10T14:39:00

2006-11-10T19:39:34Z

I just spent the last fifteen minutes laughing like a maniac at the name of my last customer -- Jomo Bonner -- which my Spanish speaking coworkers pronounced as "Homo Boner."

I gotta admit, that's how I'd pronounce it too.

Heh. Homo Boner.

100% Awesome.

2006-11-08T19:22:56Z

PIERRE, S.D. - A woman who died two months ago won a county commissioner's race in Jerauld County on Tuesday.

Democrat Marie Steichen, of Woonsocket, got 100 votes, defeating incumbent Republican Merlin Feistner, of Woonsocket, who had 64 votes.

Jerauld County Auditor Cindy Peterson said she believes the county board will have to meet to appoint a replacement for Steichen. Peterson said she'll check with the state's attorney to be sure that's the process.
Peterson said voters knew Steichen had died.

"They just had a chance to make a change, and we respect their opinion."
© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

That's so cool. Imagine being so unhappy with your current official that you willfully vote for a dead person. That is a kick right in the dick and nice message to boot.

Ask Rumsfeld. He'll tell you.

The 86 rules of drinking. Learn them. Know them. Love them.

2006-11-07T22:44:59Z

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Thursday Afternoon

2006-11-03T18:12:27Z

Please let me see the faults my ego denies me
Don't let me grow so tall
I forget the ground beneath me
Don't let me forget
that satisfaction has no friends
That glory's only fleeting - already gone

I've wasted so much time
I'm trying to get it straight in my mind

Don't let me think it's love
when it's only just obsession
I've spent so many nights punching that wall
Show me the difference between decision
and denial
I want to know why I ask why

Let me see my confusion for exactly what it is
Don't let me make my rage a tool of regret
Allow me to sidestep my frustration and hostility
And the violence that comes to me so easily,
too easily

---Rollins

Those dicks

2006-10-19T17:40:54Z

US politicians could soon be rubbing shoulders with orcs and night elves in World of Warcraft.

The Joint Economic Committee (JEC) of the US Congress has announced it is investigating the amount of commerce taking place in virtual game worlds.

The investigation is unlikely to mean that in-game trading will start to be taxed.

Many popular virtual worlds such as Eve Online and Second Life revolve around trade of one sort or another.

Cash call

In a statement announcing the investigation, the Committee said its probe was prompted by the "dramatic increase in the popularity of online gaming".

It said it was interested solely in the "universe of transactions" that occur within online worlds such as Second Life.

Although an economic value can be put on this trade because in-game currencies do have an equivalent real world value, committee chairman Jim Saxton said its investigation was not being carried out with a view to slapping taxes on this trade.

"There is a concern that the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) might step forward with regulations that start taxing transactions that occur within virtual economies," said Mr Saxton. "This, I believe, would be a mistake."

Instead, he said, the investigation wanted to get a better understanding of where the line falls between taxable and non-taxable trade. Studies of game activity suggest the time and effort put into these online worlds has an economic impact equivalent to the GDP of Namibia.

Players of online fantasy games such as World of Warcraft know that much of the game revolves around looting of dead monsters and selling the booty. Cash generated by the sales is usually used to improve the gear worn and used by that player's in-game avatar.

Some players of these games have amassed huge fortunes of game currency by exploiting the quirks of the virtual world's monetary and trade systems.

There are reports that many people in nations such as China earn their entire salary by "gold-farming" in which they play the game solely to get gold which is then sold for real world money.

The JEC statement said: "Clearly, virtual economies represent an area where technology has outpaced the law. The goal of the forthcoming JEC study is to help lawmakers understand the issues involved and head off any premature attempt to impose a tax on virtual economies."

How much trade is going on online?
None of their fuckin business. That's how much.

jstad @ 2006-10-12T18:30:00

2006-10-12T18:30:34Z

This day is so boring and slow that I'm considering braiding my taint hair.

jstad @ 2006-10-09T23:09:00

2006-10-09T23:10:03Z

Moms is getting married.
She told me this weekend.

I'm quite happy for her and John.